TIME Inventions
Role Mate to Soul Mate:
Mastering the Art and Discipline of Love
A 7 Session Online Course with Warren Farrell, Ph.D.,
Developer of an Evolutionary Shift in Couples’ Communication,
and Author of The New York Times Bestseller,
Why Men Are the Way They Are, plus The Boy Crisis.
Discover how to create an evolutionary shift in the way you love your partner, from the natural propensity to be defensive when criticized, to providing a safe environment for each other’s concerns, thereby deepening your love.
You want to return to the time when you both looked at each other with eyes of endless possibilities; when you couldn’t wait to discover each other; when you vibrated with an irresistible desire to both express your passion, and feel your partner’s passion.
When you envisioned being soul mates. 
But now, when you yearn to be fully heard about a genuine concern,
you fear your partner will instead be defensive;
You feel like you are “walking on eggshells.”
Appreciations disappear as criticisms appear.
Complacency replaces excitement.
As you go to bed, you feel physically together but emotionally isolated. Like bored role mates.
You begin to fantasize about other lovers.
You visualize moving on, but day after day passes as you tread water. You’re disappointed in yourself.
Why?
Falling in love is biologically natural.
Sustaining love is biologically unnatural.
Our reservoir of love is depleted by the Achilles’ heel of all humans: our inability to handle personal criticism from our loved one without becoming defensive.
Your love fades as both of you are likely experiencing the
four depleters of love, or The Four C’s;
Criticisms: you make a suggestion; your partner experiences a criticism.
Complaints: when you make a reservation for a restaurant, and your partner complains about the food or service, you experience it as a criticism of you.
Controlling: when you feel criticized, you feel controlled.
Complacency: as in the song, You Don’t Bring me Flowers Anymore.
When you try to bring up these issues,
the tension only escalates.
You find yourself getting:
more fulfillment from the children;
more sense of purpose from your work;
more respect from a cause; and
more appreciation from your dog.
The Solution
Since sustaining love is biologically unnatural, Soul Mate teaches you the unnatural art and discipline of love, to create the love guarantee: providing such a safe space for your partner’s concerns that your partner feels more loved by you, and therefore more love for you.
You and your loved one learn methods of:
- Appreciating and being appreciated at a deeper level than you have ever experienced.
- Feeling completely seen and heard when you share a criticism or complaint.
- Feeling so safe that you find yourself discovering and then sharing feelings you didn’t even know you were feeling.
MY COMMITMENT TO YOU
My commitment to you is to guide you through a series of processes that, taken together, will allow you to experience:
- A more sustainable version of the spark you felt when you first fell in love.
- The security of a “conflict-free zone” of 166 hours per 168 hour week.
- The trust, and emotional security of knowing you will be able to both share and hear any concern, criticism or complaint you or your loved one feels without either of you even feeling defensive.
- How to replace criticisms with the 3 A’s: Appreciations; Asks; Apologies.
- The Eight Wisdoms on which to build your love.
- How to solve problems that need more than compassion (e.g., have a child, or not.)
- How to use these methods with your family, and adapt them for your work colleagues.
- A love for your partner that runs deeper than you’ve ever felt before.
What Motivated Me To Create This Course: My Personal Story
After I completed a presentation in the 1960’s, an exceptionally bright woman in my audience appeared attracted to me. Ultimately we married. During our marriage, when she presented a problem, I worked to solve it. When she had a criticism, I would debate it. Ironically, some of the qualities that I had developed to attract her love, were the very qualities that diminished our love.
Prior to our divorce, we went to a few marriage counselors. Before our sessions, I would think about how I could present my perspectives so that the counselor would side with me and help my wife see my point. I was unaware that the degree to which I succeeded was the degree to which I failed.
My perspective gradually changed after I was elected to the Board of the National Organization for Women in New York City and started some 300 men and 250 women’s groups. I repeatedly heard that no one felt heard. The key challenge was neither partner being able to handle personal criticism without becoming defensive, leading to both partners feeling they were walking on eggshells.
I began to develop solutions that ultimately became my couples’ communication workshops. This was some 30+ years ago–a few years before I was to meet the woman who is now my wife.
My workshops improved considerably after I began to conduct free group follow-up calls and I listened to what was and was not working for each couple. This helped me develop a way to allow both partners to feel seen and loved; and to get on the same page with the way they were raising their children. As they did this, their children had role models of good communication, which led to deeper psychological security; developing better friendships in school; becoming happier, more motivated and productive.
Witnessing couples transition from being on the verge of divorce on Friday night and by Sunday, rediscovering their old passion and a much deeper love, is one of the great joys of my life. Putting this into practice with my wife is an even greater joy.
So now, I get to share my knowledge and experience with you
on my 7 session online course!
What Other Couples Have Experienced
“I learned more about being a “man” in two days, than I have in my entire adult life. What joy it is to see actual long-lasting positive change in my marriage. Dr. Farrell not only saved my marriage, but in many more ways has saved my life.”
~ Tony Fournier, Lt. Colonel, US Air Force
Without a doubt, our marriage has benefited from our work with Warren. The process teaches you about creating a safe space to communicate. Warren is a very gifted facilitator–a rare find and a true gift to couples that really want to embrace intimacy.
~ C.S.
My experience working with Warren has been life changing both personally and professionally. My boyfriend, Jeff and I were at the place where our relationship was either going to end or had to change. Because I was a professional life coach, I felt that I was a good listener but I soon discovered a whole new way to communicate. Today, Jeff and I enjoy a healthy relationship.
~ Sherri Hughes
Our marriage is intact and significantly more fulfilling today because of the time we spent with Dr. Farrell. I thank him, my husband thanks him and my children thank him – his help and expertise allowed us to become a happy, healthy and engaged family.
~ Janene Fournier
What You’ll Learn
Session 1: Panning for Gold: How to Rediscover Your Partner
Dr. Warren Farrell shares what led him to discovering that there was a need for an evolutionary shift in the way couples communicate–a shift from the biologically natural process of falling in love and becoming role mates to the biologically unnatural process of sustaining love and becoming soul mates.
In this session, you’ll experience:
- This workshop’s uniqueness: Developing the ability to associate being criticized with an opportunity to feel more deeply loved.
- The Eight Wisdoms to create a foundation for a deeper love.
Session 2: Introduction to Appreciating, and to Hearing Criticism without Becoming Defensive
Dr. Farrell introduces the Secret Sauce of Appreciations: Seven levels of Specificity.
The session also introduces the importance of not hearing criticism until we have first altered our natural propensity toward defensiveness by employing the six mindsets of receptivity.
In this session, you’ll experience:
- Meditating on the six-mindsets to avoid defensiveness in preparing to receive criticism from a loved one.
- a completely safe space for sharing her or his real feelings.
- Learning how to use “Hold” when we catch ourselves thinking of our responses (“self-listening”), while our loved one is sharing his or her concerns.
Session 5: From Creating a “Conflict-Free Zone” to Avoiding the “Four Depleters of Love”.
In this session, couples are taught how to:
- Create a “Conflict-Free Zone” – 166 hours of the week.
- Employ six tools to sustain the “Conflict-Free Zone”.
- Prevent the “Conflict-Free Zone” from being destroyed by the “Four Depleters of Love”, or “Four C’s” (Criticism; Complaining; Controlling and Complacency.)
- The Eight Wisdoms to create a foundation for a deeper love.
Session 6: Solving Problems that Require More than Empathy, and Alone Power
Some problems, like whether to get a dog, require more than empathy; they require a concrete decision. In this session, we learn how to use creative problem-solving to arrive at the most win-win decision.
We then work on multiple forms of Alone Power– that you, alone, have the power to leave everyone you encounter feeling heard–and the power to never feel defensive.
Alone power takes many forms:
- How to use our new skills with those who have never taken the course–from our children to colleagues.
- The power of you alone to end any fight at any time (with a guarantee of feeling more understood than you would if you had “won” the fight.)
- How to proactively reprogram your home (e.g., with an appreciative post-it in the fridge for last night’s dinner), so that your partner never knows when he or she will stumble onto an appreciation.
Session 7: The Three A’s: Appreciations; Asks and Apologies–plus Psychological Aikido
In addition to the first A: Appreciations, we learn to use a second A: Asks; plus a third: A: Apologizing.
With Asks we practice asking for what we want (the solution) rather than what we don’t want (the problem). With Apologizing, we learn the Anatomy of the Four-Part Apology. And then, how to use a fourth A or Psychological Aikido.
In this session and the bonus section, we:
- Develop an in-depth understanding of what is behind sarcasm–from the perspective of both giver and receiver.
- Examine when and how sarcasm, teasing and “wit-covered put downs” can be either destructive or life-enhancing.
End-of-Course Ceremony
Commitments to change
Renewal of Vows
Dancing
Course Bonuses
Bonus #1: Family Dinner Night Appendix (written/pdf)
Bonus #2: Course Bonus Recorded Session
Sarcasm, Teasing and Banter Video Workshop (1 hour)
Dr. Farrell explores why the receiver of sarcasm almost always feels disrespected. Why being sarcastic to a loved one usually emanates from feeling frustrated at not feeling heard, and is one of the most powerful indicators of the need for a Caring and Sharing session. However, we also explore playful sarcasm, plus the positive and negative uses of teasing and banter, and how each can be a way of communicating criticism in an easy-to-receive way. Dr. Farrell shares how to use teasing to enhance our children’s emotional intelligence.
Meet Your Instructor: Warren Farrell
Dr. Warren Farrell has coached couples and psychologists worldwide in couples’ communication for the past 30 years. His new course is titled Role Mate to Soul Mate: The Art and Discipline of Love.
Warren has been chosen by the Financial Times as one of the world’s top 100 thought leaders. His books are published in 19 languages. They include The New York Times best-seller, Why Men Are the Way They Are, plus the international best-seller, The Myth of Male Power. He recently published The Boy Crisis. His book on couples’ communication, Women Can’t Hear What Men Don’t Say, was a selection of the Book of the Month Club.
He has been a pioneer in both the women’s movement (elected three times to the Board of N.O.W. in NYC) and the men’s movement (called by GQ Magazine “The Martin Luther King” of the men’s movement). He has been interviewed by Oprah, Barbara Walters, Peter Jennings, Katie Couric, Larry King, Tucker Carlson, Regis Philbin, Jordan Peterson and Charlie Rose. He has frequently written for and been featured in The New York Times and publications worldwide.
Dr. Farrell has two daughters, lives with his wife in Mill Valley, California, and virtually at www.warrenfarrell.com.
WELCOME TIME INVENTION